Do Couples Who Sleep Apart Grow Apart?

Sometimes, sharing a bed with your partner isn’t always the romantic fairytale it’s made out to be. 

Sure, when you first start out in a new relationship, there is something lovely about falling asleep arm-in-arm, or waking up to your other half’s sleepy smile, and it’s easy to ignore the aches and pains for sleeping entirely in each other's space. But, fast forward a few years (and several disrupted nights later), and suddenly you can find yourself wide awake at 2am, staring at the ceiling, listening to your partner’s snoring and seriously reconsidering your life choices — or at least your sleeping arrangements. 

So here’s the big question we’re hoping to tackle in today’s blog post: if couples stop sharing a bed, are they setting themselves up to drift apart emotionally too? 

Let’s find out. 

The bed isn’t always the battlefield of love 

There’s this long-standing, somewhat judgemental, idea that sleeping in separate beds is a red flag. Like, “uh-oh, there must be trouble in paradise.” But is that really the case? 

Actually, no, we don’t believe it is. Plenty of couples — perfectly happy, loving ones — have ditched the shared bed in favour of a better night’s kip. Whether it’s snoring, different bedtimes, midnight toilet trips, or yourself or your partner stealing the duvet from each other, separate beds might just be the way forward for you. 

And no, despite the ideas that are taught to us at a young age, it doesn’t mean you’ve stopped loving each other. It probably just means you’d quite like to sleep without being elbowed in the ribs every night or woken up when you’d sooner be asleep. 

Sleep deprivation: the silent relationship killer 

Understandably, we can all get a bit cranky when we’re tired and haven’t slept very well. If this is something you struggle with, and possibly have dealt with for months or years, then you know it doesn’t always have the best outcome with your partner. It can be easy to feel like they’re to blame for disrupting your rest when it’s sometimes just sleep schedules that aren’t compatible. 

Now, it may or may not sound obvious but getting enough sleep is so important, ongoing sleep deprivation can massively affect your mood, patience, and general ability to be a decent human being (1). So, if separate beds mean that you’re both able to get the rest you need each night, then you’re likely to be nicer to each other — not colder or more distant. 

In fact, better sleep often leads to better communication, a healthier sex life, and certainly fewer passive-aggressive comments about someone’s snoring or duvet stealing tendencies. 

The rise of the “sleep divorce” 

You may be surprised to discover that this idea isn’t a new thing. If we take a flash back to the Victorian era, couples used to have separate beds as standard. Even now, according to some recent surveys, nearly 1 in 4 couples in the UK sleep apart regularly — and not all of them are doing it in secret shame (2). The term “sleep divorce” has even become a bit trendy, especially since the pandemic when home space and alone time became that much more precious to everyone. 

There are many options depending on if you have the space. Some couples have spare rooms they may rotate into. Others have separate bedrooms entirely but still share evening cuddles or a cheeky night together when they fancy it. The point is — it’s flexible, there aren’t any rules and it’s based on what works for you and your partner. 

But what about intimacy? 

This one raises a lot of assumptions for most people. It’s easy to presume that sleeping apart means less sex, less cuddling, and less emotional and physical connection overall. 

But again — we don’t necessarily think this is the case. We’ve already highlighted how important sleep is for the body and the mind, so if you think of it this way: when you both feel well-rested and less annoyed with each other. You'll probably be more likely to flirt, touch each other, and connect emotionally. And because you’re not constantly in each other’s space, those moments of intimacy can actually feel more intentional — not just something that happens by default when you crawl into bed at the end of a night. 

Plus, let’s be honest — there's something a bit fun about sneaking into each other’s beds again. Just because you’ve got your own room doesn't mean you’re off the menu. 

Communication is still the dealbreaker 

Now, here’s where things can go wrong. If one of you moves out of the shared bed in a strop — or if there's no proper conversation about how each of you feel about it — then that can cause distance. 

Sleeping apart needs to be something you both come to an agreement on, not a quiet protest or a sign you’re avoiding emotional stuff. It also can’t be an individual decision as this will likely end up leaving your partner somewhat confused. So if you’re thinking about trying it, don’t forget how important it is to talk about the why. Maybe one of you needs to get up at 5am for work and the other struggles to sleep after that alarm has gone off. Maybe one of you is struggling with insomnia. Maybe you both just think it might help you to sleep better. 

Whatever the reason is, as long as you’re clear that it’s about rest, not rejection or separation, then it can work just fine. 

So... do couples who sleep apart grow apart? 

Short answer: we don’t believe this would be the case. If a couple is still emotionally connected, communicative, and affectionate in other ways, there is no reason that sleeping apart will cause them to grow apart. In fact, it might just revive those relationships that are feeling a little stale and stuck in routine. It could reintroduce that excitement you have in the morning when you first head downstairs and see your partner making their morning coffee (and hopefully yours).  

Sleeping in the same bed doesn’t automatically define a relationship and mean that a couple is close. Equally, sleeping apart doesn’t mean the romance is dead. What actually matters is how you treat each other the other 16 hours of the day. If you are still laughing, touching, supporting each other, and talking about those things big and small, then you’re probably doing just fine, and it won’t be sleeping in separate beds that sends your relationship in another direction. 

For some couples, the shared bed is a nightly ritual they love and need, and that’s absolutely fine. For others, they have discovered that separate sleeping spaces are the secret to a happier life together. 

There’s no “one-size-fits-all” when it comes to love — or sleep. It’s important to remember to do what works for you, and don’t let anyone else’s opinion make you feel strange about it. 

Sources: 

1. https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/sleep/why-sleep-important 

2. https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/uk/news/a572479/couples-sleeping-separately-stress/